apparently some things are better left unsaid.

all that on the previous post

won't happen.

i need to be a better person

“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

i watched benjamin button last night and it made me realize something.

at the end it says that some people are born to be artists, some people are born to dance, some people are born to swim, and i aksed myself, "what was i born for?"

and as if i was waiting for someone, even if it was just myself, to aks only so that i could answer it without thought; it came to me.

I was born to love. to be in love.

i enjoy nothing more than devoting myself to someone. and it explains why i hold my heart in my sleeve. i am a lover.

and every love has been more powerful, and deep and passionate than the one before; and from each i learn. 

so i can't wait for the time when i've learned all my lessons, and can love someone like i've never loved anyone before without somehow doing too much, or too little. and that love will be eternal.

i can't stand being single, although i am never alone.  was made to love and when i'm like this it is as a pair of scissors being used for everything but cutting. even in times like these i hold on to past loves and let nostalgia become my love, so i can feel like i'm not wasting my feelings.

it is definitely time to dedicate my efforts to something more fruitful. perhaps.

can't wait to fall in love again.

true love

she’s never afraid
she never judges
she never under appreciates
she listens to my every problem
without expecting anything in return
and she always dresses up for me
always was, is, and will be beautiful
the only one to love me back truly unconditionally

but in the morning
she’s always gone.

edit: gay

don't even take baths

how can you step into a new tub, when you're still wet from your last bath?

that' what it feels like.

kisses, hugs, words, memories, smells remain, nailed to the heart like undrying water on your skin.

leaving you naked and cold.

so how can anyone enjoy the new scents from a brand new bath, when the oils from the last are still so present.

should the lingering freshness be washed away? replaced?

maybe.

try.

lucky hat

 

on thursday i left my hat at a bar. my lucky hat!

friday, without my lucky hat, i lost my phone.

after getting my lucky hat, i realized that losing my phone in the perfect opportunity to teach myself that i don’t NEED it. in other words, lucky.

twilight

we were thinking. a perfect mate for a woman, according to the
twilight series, is a diamond that can read minds and has an urge to
kill you.

who knew?

I guess It was never supposed to be fair.

last night i learned how to shotgun a beer bottle.

also i lost the bathroom somehow.

alcohol

Sex

cocaine

cats

pretty girls are like cats.

they'll come up to you and let you pet them.

they'll purr with ecstasy.

but as soon are they are done with you petting them, they pull out their claws and slash at everything you entrusted to them

one more time

just paid off another credit card.

can i really do it? live without all the nice new things out there. can we really hit bottom and just live with a few things beyond our necessities?

of course i'm using the word necessities loosely, i mean without photography and paper and pencil i would probably die of boredom... and playing the piano has been a dream for me that actually has health benefits: concentration, stress reduction, improves dexterity, increases attractiveness by 2%...

i'm going to need that, since i'll mostly be wearing old or goodwill clothes from now on.

time for truth

In all honesty, i'm probably not going to go back to school.

i don't want to.

and even if i decided that i want to, my gpa when i left school was not good enough for me to get accepted to other universities, and i am sure as hell not going back to MTSU.

a lot of people will be disappointed, but it's MY life. why live up to everyone else's expectations of who i should be and be miserable in the process?

maybe an art school?

i know, right?

at work, there's one of those people who are just wired to be pleasant. and she is.

sometimes though i'll say things and i've notced that she's got an automatic response to anything she doesn't have to or want to respond to.

"man, i need more butter"

"right? [forced laugh making it sound like it's being said by a sheep]"

"... right."

it's really funny, too, the things people say.

next time someone says to me "you guys should hook up," i'm going to respond "really? i hadn't thought of that, you're right, we should"

because hook ups happen that way, not because there is a moment of need or a spark for the night.

i'm putting my money on that being a test to see if you like the person, or if you and the person have already hooked up.

does anyone out there have a list of just what "hooking up" entails? 

because i'f heard executive types say that to eachother: "yeah let's hook up and do some business"

i've also heard "yeah, we hooked up all on his couch."

i don't understand.

never underestimate the power of fresh air

Yes!

yesterday, over breakfast, i took the first of many coming steps toward being the person i want to be.

this is one of the most useless things ever: a credit card. for what you aks? express. yes,  a credit card for unnecessarily expensive clothes, that, functionally do little more, or less,  than the good stuff at goodwill.

also, i'm done blaming myself.

valentine's

was i really supposed to enjoy that day?

fuck you.

the usual

some crisis

blah blah

question.

maybe a picture or two.

predators

usually, when people aks me to go to sports games with them, my first question is "how much?" if the answer happens to be "free," i'm down; specially if it's a hockey game. i mean, seriously, hockey figured out what's missing from all other sprots yet everyone's dying to see: fights! and it's not like watching UFC, or boxing... those guys are there TO fight. These guys are there to play hockey, which is why when fights happen and it's one on one and they're trying to keep from falling and getting punched in the face... it's as exhilarating as watching stuff explode.

just tell me somewhere they have the same rules for field hockey and i will become a sports fanatic rigt now. girls in skirts running around AND the possibility of a fight breaking out at any moment? are you kidding?

i did it

i did it.

probably shouldn't have.

and i don't care.

i drew it for her, she should have it.

"st. valentine, when faced with rejection from the woman he loved, took a knife to his chest and sent her his still beating heart to demonstrate his "undying" love.

i thought i should at least be able to draw a rose for you. :)"

it's been 3 and a half months.

i want her to call me. i want her to tell me that she misses me. i want us to talk like we used to. i want us to have moments again. i want to take a bath together. i want to shave her legs and let her shave my face. i want everything material in my life to be disposable. a disposable car. a disposable apartment. i want to be able to live without tv. without newspapers. without internet. without the latest computer. i want to camp out a lot. i want to roadtrip a lot. i want to listen to records. i want to play the piano. i want to take pictures. i want to change. i want to run. i want to eat meat.i want to be self sustained. i want to truly learn my lesson. i want to want to wake up in the mornings. fuck. i want her back. i want to not want her back. i read once that it's not fair how you can purposely remember, but you can't purposely forget. i agree. i don't want to stop writing. i wish someone cared enough. "you hold on to something tightest with an open hand." "you hold on to something tightest with an opend hand." "you hold on to something tightest with an open hand."

how do you tell your parents that you want to leave home, forever, without hurting their feelings?

yeah.
i miss her.
still.
and after wondering why i still did, i realized that i don't want to stop missing her.
she was a part of me, of who i am, and even if missing her can sometimes mean nostalgia and a sense of loss, it also means a memory of a time when what is and what should be were one and the same. that's something that not many get to experience, and it is my blessing become curse.
and i will hold that and cherish it forever.
lemonade from lemons.

every now and then, and that sounds familiar, everyone needs a little time to just look at their life and realize that it is going absolutely nowhere. to complain. some of us do it a whole lot. but it's because we have nothing to look forward to. some people do. they look forward to 10 years from now when they have been with a company for 6 years and have 3 weeks a year of vacation, maybe marriage, maybe kids, they're making enough to support their families and are perfectly contempt with going to work everyday and coming home to a cable box. that sounds nice. kindof. except that some people don't really care whether they are alive 10 years from now. some people need something to look forward to next week, some tomorrow. just anything. a sunny day. a paycheck. being debt free. moving to their favorite city. and it really really sucks when none of those things are in your field of view. none of them. not even the sucky parts of them, like a crappy paying job. 09, you are a very ugly baby to these eyes. you better fill out well.