yeah.
i miss her.
still.
and after wondering why i still did, i realized that i don't want to stop missing her.
she was a part of me, of who i am, and even if missing her can sometimes mean nostalgia and a sense of loss, it also means a memory of a time when what is and what should be were one and the same. that's something that not many get to experience, and it is my blessing become curse.
and i will hold that and cherish it forever.
lemonade from lemons.

every now and then, and that sounds familiar, everyone needs a little time to just look at their life and realize that it is going absolutely nowhere. to complain. some of us do it a whole lot. but it's because we have nothing to look forward to. some people do. they look forward to 10 years from now when they have been with a company for 6 years and have 3 weeks a year of vacation, maybe marriage, maybe kids, they're making enough to support their families and are perfectly contempt with going to work everyday and coming home to a cable box. that sounds nice. kindof. except that some people don't really care whether they are alive 10 years from now. some people need something to look forward to next week, some tomorrow. just anything. a sunny day. a paycheck. being debt free. moving to their favorite city. and it really really sucks when none of those things are in your field of view. none of them. not even the sucky parts of them, like a crappy paying job. 09, you are a very ugly baby to these eyes. you better fill out well.