cats

pretty girls are like cats.

they'll come up to you and let you pet them.

they'll purr with ecstasy.

but as soon are they are done with you petting them, they pull out their claws and slash at everything you entrusted to them

one more time

just paid off another credit card.

can i really do it? live without all the nice new things out there. can we really hit bottom and just live with a few things beyond our necessities?

of course i'm using the word necessities loosely, i mean without photography and paper and pencil i would probably die of boredom... and playing the piano has been a dream for me that actually has health benefits: concentration, stress reduction, improves dexterity, increases attractiveness by 2%...

i'm going to need that, since i'll mostly be wearing old or goodwill clothes from now on.

time for truth

In all honesty, i'm probably not going to go back to school.

i don't want to.

and even if i decided that i want to, my gpa when i left school was not good enough for me to get accepted to other universities, and i am sure as hell not going back to MTSU.

a lot of people will be disappointed, but it's MY life. why live up to everyone else's expectations of who i should be and be miserable in the process?

maybe an art school?

i know, right?

at work, there's one of those people who are just wired to be pleasant. and she is.

sometimes though i'll say things and i've notced that she's got an automatic response to anything she doesn't have to or want to respond to.

"man, i need more butter"

"right? [forced laugh making it sound like it's being said by a sheep]"

"... right."

it's really funny, too, the things people say.

next time someone says to me "you guys should hook up," i'm going to respond "really? i hadn't thought of that, you're right, we should"

because hook ups happen that way, not because there is a moment of need or a spark for the night.

i'm putting my money on that being a test to see if you like the person, or if you and the person have already hooked up.

does anyone out there have a list of just what "hooking up" entails? 

because i'f heard executive types say that to eachother: "yeah let's hook up and do some business"

i've also heard "yeah, we hooked up all on his couch."

i don't understand.

never underestimate the power of fresh air

Yes!

yesterday, over breakfast, i took the first of many coming steps toward being the person i want to be.

this is one of the most useless things ever: a credit card. for what you aks? express. yes,  a credit card for unnecessarily expensive clothes, that, functionally do little more, or less,  than the good stuff at goodwill.

also, i'm done blaming myself.

valentine's

was i really supposed to enjoy that day?

fuck you.

the usual

some crisis

blah blah

question.

maybe a picture or two.

predators

usually, when people aks me to go to sports games with them, my first question is "how much?" if the answer happens to be "free," i'm down; specially if it's a hockey game. i mean, seriously, hockey figured out what's missing from all other sprots yet everyone's dying to see: fights! and it's not like watching UFC, or boxing... those guys are there TO fight. These guys are there to play hockey, which is why when fights happen and it's one on one and they're trying to keep from falling and getting punched in the face... it's as exhilarating as watching stuff explode.

just tell me somewhere they have the same rules for field hockey and i will become a sports fanatic rigt now. girls in skirts running around AND the possibility of a fight breaking out at any moment? are you kidding?

i did it

i did it.

probably shouldn't have.

and i don't care.

i drew it for her, she should have it.

"st. valentine, when faced with rejection from the woman he loved, took a knife to his chest and sent her his still beating heart to demonstrate his "undying" love.

i thought i should at least be able to draw a rose for you. :)"

it's been 3 and a half months.

i want her to call me. i want her to tell me that she misses me. i want us to talk like we used to. i want us to have moments again. i want to take a bath together. i want to shave her legs and let her shave my face. i want everything material in my life to be disposable. a disposable car. a disposable apartment. i want to be able to live without tv. without newspapers. without internet. without the latest computer. i want to camp out a lot. i want to roadtrip a lot. i want to listen to records. i want to play the piano. i want to take pictures. i want to change. i want to run. i want to eat meat.i want to be self sustained. i want to truly learn my lesson. i want to want to wake up in the mornings. fuck. i want her back. i want to not want her back. i read once that it's not fair how you can purposely remember, but you can't purposely forget. i agree. i don't want to stop writing. i wish someone cared enough. "you hold on to something tightest with an open hand." "you hold on to something tightest with an opend hand." "you hold on to something tightest with an open hand."

how do you tell your parents that you want to leave home, forever, without hurting their feelings?